FootyNotes (the blog with balls)

Mowbray: I am responsible for Celtic excuses

2010-03-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

Tony Mowbray has vowed to take full responsibility for coming up with excuses for Celtic’s crushing to St Mirren.

Mowbray said: “It is my job as manager to come up with the excuses and I am going to roll up my sleeves and absolutely do that. I will not shirk from that in any way.

“Quite clearly, when you lose 4-0 to a team who couldn’t beat your main rivals when they only had nine men, you need to take full responsibility and that is why I am blaming penguins, the weather, the wrong type of grass and Lord Lucan.

“At the end of the day, maybe I have got to look at this negative approach Rangers are taking whereby they win most games. Maybe I am just old fashioned but I thought I was here to entertain.

“I might have got it slightly wrong in that we are entertaining Rangers fans and other supporters rather than our own but you know what that is an easy mistake to make which of course I blame entirely on the Celtic board. They just said entertain.”

Mowbray went on: “I have brought expansive football to Celtic, you only have to look at the gaping gaps in our defence to see just how expansive we are.

“People like Tony Mowbray have to stand up and be counted and that is why I talk about myself in the third person. I will go on with my philosophy because I believe in losing in a humiliating fashion and I have a great agent who always gets me a great severance deal.”

MORE ON FOOTYNOTES:
:: Uncle Roy: Keen to answer YOUR problems
:: Recession proof Rangers
:: Pundits line up to slate Cantona

Woods ready to swing his club around

2010-03-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

Tiger “Wood” Woods is finally set to make his sensational comeback after months in which he has not been able to swing his club around.

The star who has won rave reviews for his incredible performances is set to return in the US Masterbates before a likely appearance in the British Openings.

Rumours abound that Woods may also play a part in Debbie Does Dallas III before making an appearance in Ride-Her (DD) Cups.

A PGA (Pornographic Association) spokesman said: “I think fans cannot wait to see Tiger back in action on a pay per view basis. Tiger has always amazed his fans with incredible comesistency under pressure.

“He will certainly be looking at also entering some big classics this year and I am, sure his famous strokeplay will certainly be a big factor with some of our new stars such as Eva the Boob, and Jemima “Wide” Hollingberry-Mulford.

“Tiger is ready for the big time and we really do agree that he is the master of the cock-up. Well, we sure hope he is!"

Woods himself said: "I have just got to make sure I play straight and play hard. That way, I will be able to continue my success and get myself out of this hole."
MORE ON FOOTYNOTES:
:: Woods sorry for making golf interesting
:: World fury sparks Terry inquiry plan
:: Benitez faces facts evasion charges

Rancid Terry sparks sperm crisis

2010-03-16T05:59:00.000-07:00

Sports fans and players are being urged to donate sperm after it was revealed that most specimens belong to John Terry.

Said an expert: “We are talking about a John Terry virus here whereby every childless couple right now is likely to have a son that cannot pass for toffee and is likely to develop into a deranged sex warrior who feels up Andrex puppies

“Procedures should have been in place to prevent this happening but our researchers were too busy reading about John Terry in the papers and have not been checking the samples.

“By our calculations, a society of darts playing seals would have a greater collective intelligence than a generation of John Terrys.”

He went on: “A similar thing has happened in America but we are less concerned about a generation of dull ,pointless golfers as we do not think that will affect the population demographic greatly.”

“In the UK, we need to sports fans and players to donate sperm so that we can have a balanced society of fat, angry people who like breaking legs on a Sunday morning.”

MORE ON FOOTYNOTES
:: England demand condom surplus
:: Red Knights 'plan to recruit King Arthur'

Secret England tape causes FA panic

2010-03-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

A secret tape showing breaches in England security is being offered to international coaches for millions of pounds.

The tape appears to show that the England camp is easily penetrated, particularly with any sort of decent passing in the midfield or sometimes just with a mindless lump up the park.

Our sources tell us it also shows Rio Ferdinand’s dallying on the ball, John Terry losing concentration being out of position as well as showing Ashley Cole apparently tying to sell the rights to his divorce to a supporter during the second half of the England Egypt game.

However it is believed that the scheme has backfired as most international coaches plan to adopt the tactic of making England kick penalties.

An FA insider said: “This breaches are very serious as we told Fabio that we were really good and it was all Steve McClaren’s fault that our results were rubbish.

“This type of filth only serves to undermine the massive hype that will benefit all footballers this summer and enable them to nail loads of cash in adverts and what not.

“We intend to tighten up dramatically before the World Cup by trying to get John Terry to shag Paul Robinson’s missus so we don’t have to pick him either.

“Ashley Cole and John Terry will be kept in Hannibal Lector style cages when not chasing around Brazilians.”

Morally angered pundit Alan Shearer added: “When I think about onions, I really can just lose a day in thought and reflection. I guess that is how religion developed.”

MORE ON FOOTYNOTES
:: Capello pay fears
:: Irish demand Jerusalem over 'le hand'
:: The Rangers guide to saving cash

Tearful Beckham to miss LA awards season

2010-03-15T04:39:00.000-07:00

David Beckham is set to miss the C list awards season after being injured during a photo shoot for AC Milan.

OK magazine has already expressed concern that it may have to cut its issue in half while Hello said the news was a disaster for the free press.

Paparazzi were also wearing haunted looks this morning, with some saying ‘that they will have to try and sell some Tom Cruise snaps’.

A Milan outsiders said: “David was in tears when he realised that he would be missing the Blockbuster Action Stunt of the Year Awards and it looks like he will also be unfit for the Hollywood Animal Performance Oscars where he was due to present Unhappy Seal Performance of the Year.

"We can confirm that he was injured while trying to diagonally position his head on the new ladies soap range launched by Silvio Berlusconi."

Football experts have predicted that World Cup hype will fall 20% following Beckham’s withdrawal.

An FA insider said: "We fear that we may lose the 'Loose Women' demographic which is a disaster.

“We are devastated that we won’t be able to bring David on for the last five minutes of very game.

“This basically going to ruin the World Cup because I am sure most people were going there purely to see Becks take a corner.”

The race to replace Beckham:

Shawn Wright-Philips – minor celebrity, unlikely to win hair endorsements.

Theo Walcott – in a relationship but concerns over whether his mummy will let him stay up late.

MORE ON FOOTYNOTES
:: Red Knights 'aiming to recruit King Arthur'
:: Woods sorry for making golf interesting
:: John Barnes and the curse of 'shitism'

England demand World Cup condom surplus

2010-03-09T03:09:00.000-08:00

Troubled South Africa is to receive 2bn extra condoms ahead of the World Cup due to rising concerns over sexual health, mainly of England’s football team.

A South African government spokesman said: “We thought we might need some extra police for the supporters but the UK foreign office has told us we will also need lots of lubricant and johnnies.

“It is estimated that the average England footballer has 2.5m affairs per year and we are simply not equipped for that kind of activity.

“We were not aware of these problems but thankfully we were able to read a News of the World and then the problem became very clear to us.

“We are also told that we must import terrible nightclubs full of fat idiots and women who wear lots of make-up.”

He added: “We are quite shocked. It is one thing have sexual relations with more than one woman but at least our president marries these ladies. Your footballers have a lot to learn."

A football insider said: “It is vital that the England boys have everything they need to ensure they score regularly at the World Cup. They boys have a very good record at this level and frankly Kazahkstan last year was something special."

Footballers hail dog insurance plan

Meanwhile footballers have also rejoiced at the news of a dog insurance plan.

Sex warrior John Terry said: “I it is so tough being a footballer and having this insurance plan will really help me if some dog gets me between my legs.

Football agent Ari Veilbarra said: “If you are a top footballer on a night out, it is very easy to get taken advantage of by some clever dog and then you are stuck with the consequences. This insurance plan is vital.

“I have been out with some dogs in my time and they can lost a lot of money let me tell you.”

Related links
:: Dubai hit Terry anger
:: Liverpool issue player recall
:: World fury sparks Terry inquiry

Capello fears players are underpaid

2010-03-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

as told to footynotes

England manager Fabio Capello has expressed fears over the money top players are earning in the premier league.

Capello said: “How can these-a players be expect to concentrate on football when they get paid-a so little monies. When I came here and they told me I have to pay tax, I thought this was a funny thing somebody say like Benny Hill or Rafa Benitez.

“Poor John-a Terry. There he is paying off all and sundry but he had none left for Wayne-a Bridge. Now I must make do with this Leyland Baines, whom I always-a thought was responsible for the death of Laura-a Palmer in Twin-a Peaks.

“In Italy, things are much easier, If you have a problem then you pay somebody and it goes away. I could not believe when these English people do not want to give-a the referee some nice gift like a Ferrari or a whore-a. No one wonder they-a never win nothing.

“It is important the great-a players have as much-a money as possible because they get so easily bored. One-a day you want a limited edition Ferrari with Thomas the Tank Engine motif, the next a gold polar bear in which you can keep-a your collection of 80s pencils. I make-a plea for these poor young men.

“I say to Wayne Bridge, surely there is something we can get for you? Pace? Positional sense? Maybe a book on how not marry bunny-a boilers. Super smashing, great and goodbye. Oh-a England, look-a what you could have won.”

Related links
Benitez: I was right to sub Moses

John Barnes and the curse of shitism

Red Knights 'aiming to recruit King Arthur'

2010-03-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

The mythical Red Knights have confirmed they plan to recruit King Arthur and Guinevere in their incredibly realistic bid to buy Manchester United.

Speaking from their base, a giant levitating ‘super-shoe’ above Cirencester (sorry Lancelot), their spokesman said: “Gallahad is unfortunately busy with the National Lottery so we did try to recruit the Gallagher brothers but apparently they support Manchester City.

“Of course our bid is realistic. It simply requires us to build a time machine, gather together all the mystical spirits of Camelot, and learn how to do that horsey-pokey-stick thing what knights do.

“It is outrageous to suggest that we are a bunch of faceless accountants trying to look like maverick super cool rebels.

"Yes, we’ve called ourselves the Red Knights, issued a comprehensive set of merchandising items such as our marvellous Red Knight plates and do plan to make a film about how we had an idea to call ourselves the Red Knights, but apart from that we’ve done nothing to promote ourselves. Oh yes, and the whole Piccadilly Circus advertising thing.

A Man Utd fans spokesman said: “We are absolutely behind this bid by a bunch of faceless accountants and moneymen who have spent their whole lives making cash for themselves. We would much rather be run by these people than buy the Glazers whose faces are really massive and really fat. Really, it is all about facial features when you think about who you want to own a football club.

“We cannot wait for the Red Knights to walk through the air, pull the sword of Excalibur from out of the fountain in the Trafford centre and slay big Malcolm, when he next turns up for a game.

"Our hopes are realistic though, we do accept that Dimitar Berbatov will always be a tool no matter what the powers of the red knights are!”

Related links
:: Pundits line up to slate Cantona
:: Benitez faces facts evasion charges
:: Arsenal stars in shock positive test

Dubai Terry hit anger

2010-03-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

The UK has expressed World fury over a Dubai hit which has left the Prime Minister of Chelsea John Terry seriously injured.

Said a spokesman: “We believe the spy organisation WAGS mounted the hit using repeated handbag swings against Mr Terry.

“Our security forces report that something was running from the scene, thought to be Remington lipstick or Maybelline lipstick.

“We deplore the actions of the WAGS. Everybody knows that a proper spy network sits behind desks and copies stuff off the net.

“Mr Terry is very upset as the paparazzi missed the whole thing.”

Related links
Portsmouth slam goal window

Woods sorry for making golf exciting

World fury sparks Terry inquiry

Liverpool issue player recall

2010-03-01T14:35:00.000-08:00

Liverpool FC have ordered the recall of a slew of faulty products following tests which show potentially dangerous faults.

Among the affected products are the David N’Gog, a newly-released product which Liverpool said was unable to take any sort of load-bearing pressure.

The Jamie Carragher may also need to be called in over concerns over rustiness while it is feared the Ryan Babel is likely to lose control at high speed.

Customers have voiced concerns that the Rafa Benitez model is too confusing and cryptic while claiming the Maxi Rodriguez is ‘too easy to lose sight of’.

An LFC spokesman said: “We are sorry for these mistakes and we hope customers are patient while we rectify them. We expect it should take around 103 years.”

Meanwhile Rafa Benitez has slated Blackburn’s style after his side won an ill tempered game at Anfield.

He said: “I think the fans, they wear trousers that may have been stolen..from the 80s. They show no class, everybody knows it is time to get the spring fashions going but they still come in winter macs. That is very bad style.”

Related links
Benitez slates latest Liverpool plan

Unidentified formation reports in Liverpool

Benitez facing facts evasion charge

Portsmouth slam goal window

2010-02-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

Portsmouth have added their voice to the chorus of disapproval over Fifa's unpopular goal window rule.

Said a spokesman: "It is completely arbitrary and it is making life really tough for managers.

"Having this so called 'time' in which you can score goals puts us at a huge disadvantage. After so-called full time, we find ourselves sometimes three or four goals behind.

"Clearly if these unfair restrictions were lifted then we could perhaps score some of our own goals and pay off our creditors, such as Trotters Independent Traders, Barry's Loanshark Emporium and Cameroon.

"Football is over regulated. We see this full time rule as a restraint of trade and intend to go to the European Court of Silly Rights. "

Related links
Gary Megson's School of PR

Hughes/Wenger settle dispute

FA may lose race to host FA Cup

Woods sorry for making golf interesting

2010-02-19T08:54:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama, God and the Dalai Lama are believed to be among the billions watching golfman Tiger Wads apologise for having loads of sex with birds he didn’t know that well.

Woods said he hoped to restore the image of the sport as a pointless spectacle played by impotent fat blokes.

Contrite after letting down millions who thought his ability twat a little ball near holes made him a saint, Woods attempted to shed light on a mystery as to why a man with so much money chose the extraordinary step of ‘shagging anything he fancied’.

A spokesman for Society said: “Given that it is very rare for mega rich men to have sex with whomever they want whenever they want, we find this event particularly shocking.

“What makes it worse is that St Tiger of Woods is not like a rock star on anything exciting like that therefore he really is not allowed to have affairs and think he can get away it. “

God added: “I am delighted to see Mr Woods has taken steps to address his major problem of fancying birds and ‘not being too fussed what his wife thought’. The 386.8bn other man who have this problem will hopefully take heed too.”

Meanwhile disapproving golf expert Derek Brown-Green: “I used to think Tiger was a great athlete and an amazing golfer. It disgusts me that he was holding trophies aloft while there were waitresses panties in his golf bag. We will never forgive Tiger for making golf interesting."

Related links
Mick McCarthy never says die

Henry reacts over 'le hand'

Roy Keane's problem page

Benitez slates latest Liverpool plan

2010-02-18T13:01:00.000-08:00

Rafa Benitez has slated plans for Liverpool to attempt to win the title, saying 'we would have to go on until the end of the century'.

Benitez said the plans simply disrespected the traditions of the Premier League in which Man Utd and Chelsea lose to some muppet teams at Xmas before trouncing everyone.

Benitez said: "We already have enough problems beating Wigan, why do we need these extra targets?

"It really does not make sense to mess with a format that works so well. Every year we mess up becaause our skwad is rubbish and we play shit, percentage football. I am really good at delivering this so why change the formula now?"

Pundit Alan Shearer added: "Sometimes I'll be in the kitchen, see an onion and just laugh. Life can be weird like that."

Quality - goals that Wenger would hate

2010-02-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

Want to see a bunch of goals that no doubt Arsenal Wenger would call anti-football?

You know the kind I mean: 50-yard screamers, shots from the halfway line all that good stuff that you don't get if you pass the ball sideways for 85 minutes a game.

So courtesy of Eurosport, enjoy.

World fury sparks Terry inquiry plan

2010-02-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

Pressure from the world media, politicians and a barmy Italian has finally forced the International War Crimes (and other serious matters) Tribunal to open an investigation into why England’s Most Important Man decided to lie and cheat to the public over an unprecedented amount of time in morally horrifying circum-sexes.

The inquiry will look at all aspect of what TerryGate (aka funny Terry shagging story) and will seek to ascertain how a man with so much money, who surrounds himself with females entirely obsessed by money, was able to have sexual relations with a lesser paid team-mate’s unbelievabley shallow (sorry slim) bird.

The complex investigation will also look at how a man who is almost congenitally stupid, with a family so stupid that scientists are yet to explain how they learnt to reproduce, was able to make such an error of judgement.

Particularly when Terry was known for his acts of ‘high moralism’ such as ‘not shagging Didier Drogba’s bird’, his post 9/11 political protest ( sadly this was misconstrued as yobbish, drunken chanting at the time) and crying in court like a massive, massive baby.

A spokesfiend of Terry’s says his client will contest all charges until given enough money: “What John is saying is that this was a difficult decision. He completely appreciates not everyone agreed with what he did – particularly the thing with the wet fish and the slapping .

“ But what he is saying is that he truly believed was right at the time. He rejects claims from Miss Peroncel that weapons of mass destruction were not found during this particular sojourn.”

Terry said in a statement: “I really hope Mr Mussolini will give me another spanking, sorry I mean chance. “

Terry, it is understood, is also set to insist that he was not aware Wayne Bridge was a team-mate or even a footballer. It is expected the inquiry will also address the question of, ‘who the fuck is Wayne Bridge’.

Pundit Alan Shearer added: “Onions are multi-functional. That’s a key benefit for me.”

Stonking backheel assist

2010-01-31T06:24:00.001-08:00

Wondering how it is going in the latest edition of Real Madrid Galacticos?

Check out this fantastic backheel assist in Real's latest win. Lovely stuff.

World Cup Countdown: memories of Germany 2006

2010-01-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

FootyNotes will be at the greatest show on earth in 2010, live and unleashed. We will take you through the lighter side of life at the World Cup. In our countdown, relive our adventures at previous World Cups. Check out our Korea/Japan travels here.

THE ARGENTINIAN TIMMY MALLETT

Germany 2006 will be a challenge. Hostel prices have been jacked up 300% and to get around this vast country may require the use of a pretty expensive train network. My budget however is largely to get tickets for games, so campsites and beds like mortuary slabs are the order of the day. My first stop is Hamburg, where horn-tooting Ivorians are amusing the locals ahead of an exciting match against Argentina. I end up in a 15-bed dormitory hostel and pretty much all of us – except a very old oriental businessman - are following a benefits-reliant Argentinian-Swede, whose dressed like Timmy ‘Mallett’s Mallett’ Mallett at a Bob Marley concert , around Hamburg’s late night hot spots. He is searching for something called Bongo Disco and a Canadian among our party remarks that this experience was not in his, ahem, expectations for backpacking across Europe. Needless to say, Timmy falls asleep, I lose my camera and the Canadians remain non-plussed as day one of the 2006 World Cup sees Germany and Costa Rica exchange a lot of goals.

BREAKFAST A LA HERCULES

Bohemian Berlin is wrapped in patriotic fervour as I enter the city, having witnessed a fantastic game between Ivory Coast and Argentina. The main drag in the city, which hosts the main civic institutions as well as the Brandenburg Gate, is now a huge outdoor ‘fan park’, where thousands will gather, in particular to watch Germany try to win the World Cup. But this city, with its strong history of exhibitionism, hedonism and avant-garde art, is a touch suspicious. Some of the Germans I meet are a little concerned about the patriotism as this is a country by no means ‘at one’ with practices such as flag-waving and the like. For me, it is not too much fun living on the breadline. I have found myself in giant fan-tents which sleep around 20 supporters. Mercifully, there are just three other supporters in my tent. In fact, the camp is half empty, most fans have thought better of it. Having enjoyed a few minutes of sleep, I console myself with the thought of a free breakfast. Sadly, what I am greeted with is more like the sort of thing that falls from a Hercules jump jet rather than the culinary dreams of Gordon Ramsey. A rump of bread and a scribbling of what looks like butter ill have to keep me going, but the splendour of the Olympic stadium soon lifts my spirits. The stadiums are packed and almost every country seems to be well-represented. The Germans are putting on a show too: one fan park offers cuisine from every country playing in the World Cup. Togan football may not be great but I can report their curries are marvellous. My final night in Berlin is spent in bar which resemble something out of a David Lynch nightmare. Strangely-shaped people, twisting to odd, fragmented music. It’s good to know boho Berlin goes on amid football fever.

SOUTH KOREA FANS LOVE THEIR BED

Leipzig is a picturesque city in eastern Germany and thanks to the joys of a backpackers’ website I now have my own room. The arrangement is that I am supposed to stay on this guy’s couch but he has given me his room and treated me to a free cycle tour of the city. The World Cup is still in a good mood. By night, I watch France draw with South Korea. South Korean supporters, to use football parlance, do not get the credit they deserve. They sing with a loyalty and passion to rival Liverpool or Celtic fans. But, perhaps because their songs are not located in folklore or historical myth, they do not have the reputation of say the Dutch, Irish or Scots. It may also be because they all go straight home to bed after the game.

Pundits line up to slate Cantona

2010-01-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

Pundits have slammed Eric Cantona's "blatant theatrics" after his appearance in Paris this week.

Alan Hansen said: "It was unbelievable. He was throwing himself around everywhere as if he was on a stage, In fact, I think he might actually have been on one!

Colleague Lee Dixon chimed: "It was absolutely ridiculous. Ten out ten for artistic impression if you know what I mean.But really I have seen better acting in a theatre. In fact, I think I might be in one."

Meanwhile Andy Townsend: "This is a new low for football. Conning the audience into believing that Eric Cantona is an actor is unacceptable."

And Alan Shearer added: "I like onions."

Henry anger over hand punishment

2010-01-27T13:37:00.000-08:00

Thierry Henry has reacted furiously after Fifa handed down a fierce punishment over the infamous ‘le hand’ incident which denied Ireland the chance to go out of the World Cup group stages.

Although not banned, Fifa has told Henry that he must spend the summer taking on a fruitless task likely to cause humiliation and frustration.

The Room 101 style punishment will largely involve Henry playing up front for France at the World Cup.

Said a spokesman: “Mr Henry will essentially spend the summer running everywhere trying to get the ball but never receiving it.

"He will have to watch the France midlfield playing at a slow plodding tempo and getting 0-0s against rubbish teams. We think this humiliation is more than enough punishment for his crimes."

Gary Megson's school of PR

2010-01-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

as told to FootyNotes

Well the first thing to say about PR is what the hell is the point of PR? OK it worked for the ET, Tony Blair and Jedward but apart from that who? People say I didn’t win the fans over at Bolton but what the hell do people know? Not even as much as Bolton fans.

The first lesson of PR is be straight with your audience. If your customer base is bunch of flatcap wearing sausage botherers then say so (no dig at the Bolton fans here).

Now I know what you are going to say: honesty only makes the fans think you are annoying pillock. Well, truth be known I am an annoying pillock so why hide it? Do you see it all starting to make sense now?

The key to my vast unimaginable success in the game is this very brutal and pragmatic honesty. The reality is that Bolton fans were just too stupid to understand our brand of football. It’s not just all about goals and excitement. Or points. Or fun. Or anything really apart from being a bit cold and bored.

PR is really about the very opposite. It is about telling everyone their twats and that the only person that understands anything right is, of course, the flame haired eco-warrior cum midlfielder extraordinaire Gartholomew Megson.

When will people learn?

ps - Bolton is a dump

Unidentified formation reports in Liverpool

2010-01-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

The Ministry of Defence has confirmed scores of reports concerning unidentified formations in the Liverpool area.

Said one witness: "It was completely weird. I just kept staring but I really haven't seen anything like it.

Another added: "We just didn't know what it was. Some people said it was 442, others claimed it was the Christmas tree but to be honest most of us just thought it was a mess.

One fan added: "I think Gerrard was playing left back at one stage. I just had no idea what was going on."

Benitez faces facts evasion charges

2010-01-14T15:42:00.000-08:00

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez is facing a facts evasion probe after a major investigation into his press conferences.

Said a spokesman: "The accusations against Mr Benitez centre on his claim that he pledged to remain unbeaten in the league was with respect solely to Burnley......at home.

"His other claims that his guaranteed 4th Champions League position was in reference to where Liverpool would finish in their Champions League group are also being scrutinised.

"We also have concerns about other statements that his transfer budget is 'lower than Rochdale's' and that 'referees hate me because I am a sex-power'."

Memories of Korea/Japan #2

2010-01-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

FootyNotes will be at the greatest show on earth in 2010, live and unleashed. We will take you through the lighter side of life at the World Cup. In our countdown, relive our adventures at previous World Cups. Check part one out here.

HOW TO BE FAMOUS IN KOREA

The World Cup is capturing the imagination and the hosts are doing well. On television, weirdly, there are more slow-motion replays of manager, the Dutchman Guus Hiddink, than there are of the games.

Every hand movement and jump of emotion is fascinating the producers. Meanwhile on the streets, games can be watched anywhere. TVs dangles on fast-food chain window sills on gurgle on the desks of railway ticket sellers.

Some foreigners in Seoul wore South Korea T-Shirts on the night the hosts qualified for the World Cup second round.

Feverish Koreans demanded to take pictures with them all as if they were Hollywood megastars. What will happen if they win the whole thing?

THE JAPANESE PREFER BASEBALL

It is not quite as feverish in Japan where the games are not even being transmitted on free-to-air television. Nonetheless, a small element of Tokyo youths have taken Japan’s qualification a little too far by getting drunk en masse on a roundabout.

The police are in attendance but surely it beats our Saturday night rituals of looting and pillaging? Tokyo doesn’t seem overly bothered by the World Cup and I wonder if this is what USA 94 was like.

However, I do enjoy a lovely game of unisex football where every one of my kicks is politely clapped, even those aimed unnecessarily and quite brutishly at opposing players. A Middle-Eastern guy manages to score about 40 goals in the brief game but there are pleasantly few recriminations aimed at me during the post match beer where I witness Japanese youngsters with painted St Georges flags on their faces.

I do double-take at the sight of Japanese kids standing for the British national anthem but to them this is all panto. And, Beckham, being the world’s coolest footballer, has helped England garner a fair bit of local support, which is a refreshing change.

PASSENGERS PLEASE NOTE, BRAZILIANS ON THE TRAIN

In Kobe, rebuilt after a devastating earthquake, my trip begins to draw to a close. Japan have left the tournament and, as the business end of the competition begins, so the magic of Asia’s first competition starts to die.

Many of the great European powers have been sent packing and the US team are revelling in the unusual role of underdog. Brazil are still here. I travelled with them on the same train from Tokyo. Yes, that’s right, train. You can’t help imagining the world’s best footballers trying to squeeze on to the 0821 to Clapham Junction but this is Japan and the punctuality of trains seems to be of almost celestial importance.

I have even heard a report that one fan’s foolishness – which caused a train to be three minutes late – landed him in jail. For more than three minutes, I understand.

This has been a strange World Cup. The vast armies of European football fans have been somewhat absent. The pubs are prohibitively expensive unless you happen to be in a bar when the landlord says free drinks if Ireland triumph in a penalty shoot-out.

Well, as it happened, they lost anyway. That said, this World Cup has been enjoyably weird. The stadia look like alien ships parked up in towns across the Far East for a couple of weeks. The hustle and bustle has rather disturbed the iron efficiency of the Tiger Economies. Europe’s grand battle (plus Brazil and Argentina) is playing second fiddle to baseball but maybe the great soccer juggernaut needed a dose of humility.

Tony Adams (he never misses the point)

2009-12-28T16:00:00.000-08:00

as told to FootyNotes

My name is Tony Adams. You may know me from tactical disasters such as ‘Wycombe Wanderers’ and ‘Portsmouth’. It has been suggested that I always miss the point but as the great philosospeaker William Shakeworth said, ‘Bollocks to you lot’. Sadly visionaries like me, Arsene Wenger and Tom ‘Crosswits’ O’Connor sometimes have to accept that our futuristic methods will simply not be understood.

Thankfully the BBC’s Today programme has given me the chance to edit the show and I can give a preview of my schedule here.

The Taliban: We need to get to the heart of this issue which is at absolute crisis point but I think we also need a change in tone to galvanise interest in the story. So I have commissioned Gok Wan to report back on how Taliban fashion has been influenced by pre-Raphaelite architecture and beards.

Football: This is such a misunderstood issue right now. There is so much fickle reporting out there. I have commissioned the famous hard hitting football journalist Gaby Roslyn to do a piece on the great visionary talent lost to football due to ignorance, hate and fear….Tony Adams.

And finally: To round off the show, I think we need something a bit feelgood. So I want to do a piece on how for many people, alcohol is in fact a great comfort to them. It keeps people warm if they are sleeping in cardboard boxes. It is a great alternative to the car scrappage scheme if one is driving with alcohol. And it can also help one find philosophy, if you drink at least ten bottles of whisky a week for ten years. Because it does not make a blind bit of sense otherwise.

Anyway, I am Tony Adams and I NEVER miss the point.

Mick McCarthy NEVER says die

2009-12-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

as told to footynotes

First of all I'd like to say I am a diehard never say die Yorkshireman who is, in actual fact, not dead.

And when you've been to the School of Hard Knocks like I have, you know all about never giving up..unless of course you are taking an insurmountable super-impossible task, like trying to scrape a 0-0 draw at Old Trafford.

Take my spell at Sunderland. Evey week I drummed it into my players to NEVER give up. Of course that was before the season started.

Once it did and we lost 1-0 at Wigan, it became obvious to me that we were going to lose every game 6-0 and I told the players to give up to avoid further disappointment.

Life ain't easy y'know. Little Billy came home from school the other day and only got four out of ten on his math test. Like any died in the wool beligerent northerner I told him school wasn't any use and, what with the mines all being in Taiwan now, all we can do is hope to become very good sausage roll technicians or manage Sunderland.

You just can't try all the time, it's naive in this day and age. If we tried in every game in the Premier League, we might stay up and then imagine the disappointment when we get relegated by a record margin in our second season. People just don't think things through.

You've got to be realistic. That's why I was right not to pick my first 11 for the Man Utd game. If only it could be like the snooker and you could concede a match before it finished. Then we could just give up and catch up on X-Factor, the show of choice for the diehard, never-say-die Yorshireman....whose on happy pills.

Mystery over Rooney cheat storm

2009-12-14T06:36:00.001-08:00

Weathermen today confirmed the expected storm of protest following Wayne Rooney’s blatant cheating against Aston Villa failed to materialise.

Said a spokesman: “We were told following Thierry Henry’s handball that all UK football fans, media and pundits had lost all faith in the integrity of the game due to constant cheating. Yet we were unable to detect the expected of howls of moral hysteria when Wayne Rooney performed a dive so blatant that even the referee spotted it.

“There were no calls for Rooney to be banned for months, no questions about what Man U are teaching their players and no comparisons with the twin devils, Drogba and Henry. We set up reception centres for young children who had lost faith in their hero but instead could only hear yelps of anger from Man U fans who wanted Rooney to dive some more to get a penalty.

A fans spokesman explained: “The fact is that Wayne Rooney was skilfully trying to induce the referee in an age old tactic that is tantamount to art whereas Thierry Henry is a dirty Frenchman. The difference is quite obvious.”

EPL preview: Liverpool need to deliver

2009-12-11T06:07:00.000-08:00

It’s the battle of the Big 4 also-rans as Liverpool take on Arsenal. Very tough to pick a winner so the draw starts as favourite here. United are woefully short of defenders for the visit of Villa but they should still grab the win although there will be blood….and goals!

Chelsea will brush Everton aside in their typically tedious way while it will be interesting to see if Man City can improve their record against the EPL’s more ordinary sides. They face Bolton and need to win. Spurs would expect to easily beat Wolves.

What of life at the bottom? Birmingham’s form is a huge shock given mediocrity McLeish is in charge so fair play, we have to back them to see off the hapless Hammers. Burnley need to rely on that home record against Fulham who are obdurate but inconsistent as Roy Hodgson’s missus will no doubt testify to. That’s too much info sorry.

Hull without Jimmy Bullard face Blackburn which could see the home side falling into their bad old ways. Inconsistent Wigan won’t get any change out of Stoke (or they’ll win 5-0) while Sunderland will easily beat Portsmouth.

Betting:

Chelsea 2 - 0 Everton
The Blues have been nasty to back at home all season, shedding their caution and handing out a few thrashings. Still, Everton are struggling so we are setting confidence at 'high' for this one.

Man U 1 - 0 Aston Villa
With Utd short of defenders this one is more difficult. United have a great record against Villa and these games are rarely tight. Our confidence is 'low' for this one.

He shoots, he scores...the MANAGER that is

2009-12-10T03:05:00.000-08:00

Yup, we bring you the best goodies on FootyNotes. Check out one of the goals of the season here as a manager executes a first-time volley from the sidelines which flies straight into the net.

It's Beckham and Pele all rolled into one! And it'll never count even though it was a tonne more legitimate than Henry's handball.

And if that's not enough, watch this classic comedy OG by a goalkeeper. Why do they do it to themselves?

Arsenal stars in shock positive test

2009-12-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

The FA have confirmed the shock news that some of Arsenal's youth players have tested positive for talent.

Said a spokesman: “We really put them through their paces. Some of the poor sods only seem to be able to do keepy uppies while others seemed to think tackling was against the rules. However we did find a few who will have a very bright future at top football clubs such Aston Villa, Derby and Morecambe.

“We did think some of them might be on drugs because most of them appear to think they have a chance of playing for Arsenal. That, of course, is clearly ridiculous and suggests delusional psychosis."

Exclusive: Irish demand Jerusalem over le Hand

2009-12-07T05:22:00.000-08:00

The Football Association of Ireland has demanded a slice of the Holy City of Jerusalem following their World Cup exit.

Said a spokesman: "Given the nature of injustice we have suffered, we felt we may as well ask for a bit of Jerusalem. From reading the papers, it is what most wronged groups ask for when they suffer mass injustice so why shouldn't we get some?

"To be honest, it did look a bit rubbish on the net but so does Hull and that's a great place to party."

And that full list of Irish demands:

- A 20 point headstart in the next five Eurovision song contests

- Free Stella for all Irish footballers for life (backdated)

- A Hague war crimes tribunal for Thierry Henry

- Lessons on how to handball and get away with it (free of charge)

- Guinness

- Reparations based on the amount of pub trade lost due to Eire's failure to qualify (estimate: £3.65)

World Cup 2010 draw preview

2009-12-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

Brazil and Spain are the overwhelming favourites for the 2010 World Cup. Yet the Samba stars are merely efficient under coach Dunga and Spain can still ‘throw one in’ as proved by their defeat against the USA in last year’s Confederations Cup.

Germany and Italy will bring exceptional team play but lack the extra quality. The Dutch and English will have to slay demons from tournaments past. Could this be the year when an outsider triumphs in South Africa?

The Ivory Coast are the leading dark horse and provided several players in this year’s Champions League semi finals. On the downside, they will be given respect by most teams as they boast Didier Drogba. They are also weak defensively but may well be worth an each way bet come June. Cameroon and Ghana will be tough nuts but there is nothing to suggest that they have the organisation or managers necessary to get on an extended run.

What of South America? Recent experience tell you that they are tough and tenacious outside of Brazil but again lack the firepower. Roque Santa Cruz has been anonymous for Man City but if he finds his scoring boots then Paraguay could be useful if the draw allows them to pick up momentum. They will be good on penalties.

Europe’s lesser lights are the most likely shock winners and yet FootyNotes cannot see it. Greece came through a soft group and Switzerland are just, well, soft. Serbia and Denmark are both good teams but they will probably both come up short in the later rounds if their recent tournament form is anything to go by. Despite their awful Euro 08 showing, I would still make those Greeks Euro outsiders just purely on their mental toughness but it really depends on the draw.

Any others

Australia simply do not have what it takes and South Korea will play a bit before being dispatched. One team regularly overlooked is the USA. They came desperately close to winning the Confederations Cup last year and they could have easily been in the World Cup final after murdering Germany but failing to take their chances. Clearly, they are not anywhere near the best team in the world. But their team ethic and defence is good. Moreover, there will not be any egos in the team which, more and more, is doing for the big European nations.

Every chance that 2010 will be won by either Brazil, Spain or Italy. But the tournament is long overdue for a shock winner.

Hughes/Wenger settle dispute

2009-12-03T05:29:00.000-08:00

Mark Hughes and Arsene Wenger have agreed to settle their childish row during Wednesday night's Carling Cup - with a game of tig.

Hughes said: "It is important in a world where so many terrible things happen - such as mega-rich investors losing money in Dubai hotel investments - that we managers set an example.

"My tig record speaks for itself. I think there is a very great chance of Wenger being 'it' and remaining 'it' for some time to come."

Wenger said: "Tig is a gentleman's game and everybody know that it is a philosophy and I think Mr Hughes does not really understand this at all.

"I will give people they kind of tig they want to see with lots of dodges and risk-taking not the kind of percentage tig practised by Mr Hughes."

World's greatest football miss

2009-12-02T05:06:00.000-08:00

A huge thank you to the mighty Rocky Baptiste who may well have engineered the world's greatest-ever football miss. Check it out here.

Yup - forget super Ronnie Rosenthal blasting over the bar for Liverpool or the mighty Geoff 'Maradona' Thomas for England.

I'm sure there are others you can think of: Chris 'manager's pick' Iwelumo for Scotland against Norway comes to mind.

In none of these scenarios is the player literally walking the ball into the net. Even Emile Hesky couldn't miss from there. Could he?

EPL Saturday preview #2

2009-11-27T05:05:00.000-08:00

Coo-eee. Some big, big games this week starts off with a nasty London derby between Arsenal and Chelski.

The Gunners proved last week that they will almost certainly not win the EPL: but games with their old west London foes are always tight affairs with few goals.

More attractive, is the game between Villa and Spurs. Could be a few goals here and both sides capable of nicking the win. FootyNotes still cannot see either side breaking into the Top 4 though.

Merseyside can jointly mourn their seasons when Everton take on Liverpool. The blues can’t even beat Hull so maybe Liverpool can kick-start their season. Again.

Elsewhere, expect Blackburn and Stoke to do their best to devalue the EPL’s global media value with a festival of awful passing interrupted by ample schoolboy-esque six-yard box scrambles. Man City will surely tonk Hull while Fulham will efficiently dismiss Bolton.

Man U take on Portsmouth, newly emboldened by new manager Avram ‘personality’ Grant. Except an unimpressive away win while Wigan will bid to avoid shipping double figures to Sunderland and their former boss Stevie Bruce.

Wolves need to beat Birmingham whose confidence is weirdly rising while West Ham are in the same boat against Burnley and it would be no shock if both home sides bottled it.

FA 'may lose race to host FA Cup'

2009-11-26T05:48:00.000-08:00

as told to FootyNotes

The FA has admitted it is likely to pull out of the race to stage the FA Cup.

“We support the German bid,” said a spokesman., “just because the FA Cup involves English clubs does not mean we are the natural country to host it.

“And just because we have the best and biggest stadia with fanatical supporters who pay fortunes to watch games where their teams often has no chance of winning does not mean that Oldham v Huddersfield might not attract a similarly passionate audience in the Black Forest.

The spokesman denied claims that the English FA could not organise a piss-up, even if they were in a venue which in fact served, ‘piss’.

He said: “Just yesterday the whole board went put for a lovely drink. There was some confusion over the venue and then an argument about the bill but apart from that everything was great. Apart from the fact that three of our board members are now missing.”

The spokesman added: “We may well decide to withdraw our 2018 World Cup bid too because, at the end of the day, the joint Somali/Iraq bid is very strong and they obviously have the facilities we don’t, like an organised FA for one.

“Also, we have run out of free handbags.”

AVRAM DENIES TAUNTS

Avram Grant has blamed constipation for his dour demeanour during his days as manager of Chelsea.

He said: “You know when you really need a shit and you just cannot do it. That is how I felt almost all the time at Chelsea.

“Just when I thought it would come, it would stay in my arse and so I would have to let it out verbally to the John Motson.

“Also I have been playing a lot of Football Manager and it has given me much inspiration for new teamtalk speeches I can do.”

Unfortunately this interview was cancelled as our correspondent fell asleep.

2010 World Cup countdown - Korea/Japan memories #1

2009-11-25T14:20:00.000-08:00

FootyNotes will be at the greatest show on earth in 2010, live and unleashed. We will take you through the lighter side of life at the World Cup. In our countdown, relive our adventures at previous World Cups.

THE MOST POLITE WORLD CUP EVER?

The World Cup is back on tour. After a brief sojourn in ‘boring old France’, Fifa have pulled out another joker in the pack and awarded 2002 to South Korea/Japan, two nations whose co-history is a bloody tale.

The sport’s rulers have played this trick before: they took the Greatest Show on Earth to the USA in 1994. The great paradox was that while every stadium was packed, there seemed no other evidence the World Cup was going on in the vastness of America and her sports entertainment maze.

In South Korea’s industrial heartland you get rather the same feeling. Banners, flags and welcomes adorn the normal accessories of any modern city: lamp posts, bridges and manicured trees.

But where are the supporters? Where are the tribes of colour, sing-song and beer?

However, one thing that isn’t missing is hospitality. People seemed to have been almost mobilised to respond with instant offers of help any soccer tourist. I can’t quite imagine ‘the government’s back home’ mustering us into such a frenzy.

As I wandered towards the stadium for Brazil-Turkey, a man pulls up and excitedly uses sign language to offer a lift to the stadium – and gives me a number in case I need a lift to back. Later, I enjoy a glass of lemonade in a bar only to realise that I am in fact in somebody’s back garden. To top off this surreal adventure of kindnesses, I am given a lift home by Ulsan’s law enforcement after an over indulgence of alcohol leaves me hopelessly lost. Rather than being greeted by an angry hotel manager, a nice old lady greets me with a plate of free red melon (although I can’t deny I was dreaming of chips and curry sauce).

As for the game itself? Well as I head up the stairs of this modern, functional ground I seem what appears to be rows and rows of yellow Brazilian shirts. Ah, so the fans are here after all, I think. Well, not exactly: as it is our polite Korean hosts again, all fully kitted out in the green-and-gold as if it were school uniform. This is going to be a World Cup for lost innocence I figure before Brazilian Rivaldo pretends to be floored and cynicism is once again fully restored!

JOURNALISTS DO NOT LIKE CABBAGE

I am now on what constitutes South Korea top tourist island, Jeju. A World Cup game has blatantly been staged here to boost the tourist industry and I do not think Jeju United has a long, and distinguished history. In fact, I don’t think it has a short and undistinguished one either! You have to admire the architects who must have been given briefs to build a whole slew of stadia for a country whose domestic league attracts crowds that would embarrass British amateur teams. In Jeju, the middle part of the ground runs so low that you can see the ball quite easily from outside. They don’t really like balls at this ground though: the official match ball which I have purchased for reasons beyond me is confiscated by stewards.

The stern face of the female steward tells me all I need to know: this is South Korea bucko and there are no balls allowed. Meanwhile, it has not taken me long to find a member of the media circus sent by all and sundry to make sense of the Far Eastern World Cup. You’d think experiencing this rather surreal event would be

Well, I guess you can’t please everyone. Personally, I’ve enjoyed the food. More so, I’ve enjoyed being a true luddite and inquiring about the possibility of forks in every eatery I have attended. It has become a kind of ritual: firstly the waiter is confused, then there is panicked conversation and finally somebody is sent to the back of beyond somewhere to retrieve for a fork-like implement with the zest and fervour of Indiana Jones. Now where else can you get that apart from Little Chef?

Oh, did you want to know about the football? Well, I’ve just watched the Chinese get massacred. I tried to help, by waving burgers at Ronaldo, Brazilian’s vastly gifted striker who has a penchant, it has been alleged, for non-healthy foodstuffs. My strategy didn’t work. Nonetheless, we flew with the China team and, whilst waiting for our luggage, it became clear there were other priorities for the players. A large man has been appointed to collect their baggage and vast amounts of newly-bought TVs and DVD players stream out. Well, they might not get any World Cup points but they’ll certainly be up on Mastercard points.

The EPL Saturday preview #1

2009-11-20T05:07:00.000-08:00

Game of the day is deffo up north where Sunderland boss broken-nose Brucie will be hoping for a Bent bonus (no lets not get Happy Harry into this) against the on-fire Gooners. This will be the classic test of ‘they can’t mix when it gets nasty; theory and perhaps a litmus test for Wenger’s title ambitions.

ManU will surely cruise past under-strength Everton in game that maybe even the managers won’t bother watching. Burnley/Villa will be tasty and goal infused what with the Clarets flying at home.

Another pearler will be Liverpool/Man City. Its gonna be like Corrie v Eastenders such is the saga value of these two clubs so far. Question marks over both managers so should be tense one but tough to predict.

Hull and West Ham will contest a grim basement battle which might even drain the colour from El Permatan Phil Brown. Chelsea will roll Wolves over surely while expect lots of fake anger as Bolton and Blackburn pretend their rivalry matters to anyone other than people who have been dead for years.

Birmingham will valiantly spar with Fulham but probably lose to Hodgson’s tough-nuts while Stoke should see off Portsmouth. Another bad day for the sheik, wethinks!

'Terry Henry' reacts to le Hand of God storm

2009-11-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

As told to FootyNotes

"It is, zis terrible morning, that I wake up to see me, ze great Thierry Henry, to be vilified. Today I feel like ze inventor of screw-top wine or Easycook garlic.

And what did I do for such a terrible amount of abuse? Non, not sleep with Mark Hateley’s wife or play for Bolton. Non, I merely made a little accident with my hand.

Mr Lee Dixon, whom I thought was my old friend in Arsenal, now say that I ‘made a cheating motion’. Damn, you Dixon, you hypocrite, blaggard and stealer from my custom-built Yazoo chocolate milk fridge!

Of course all the shirt you pulled were purely to see what was underneath. Eh Monsieur Lee? Damn you and your skin-fit shirts Dixon!

I thought ze people loved me. They used to say, ‘Thierry, you were so good in the advert for the Citroen".

And I used to say, “thanks, maybe one day I can do Eastender or maybe even Taggart. But non, now my dreams are over.”

I am no cheat mon frères. The ball for me is my lover. And with any lover sometimes you get too close. You know you should keep your hands to yourself but you just can’t. Zis love you cannot understand. It is like how you people are with the Lard and ze Spam non? Ze people from Sam Allardyce-shire, yes?

Oh and as the great French writer and philosopher Camus say: ‘Go stick it where the sun don’t shine we won, vive la France, vive la revolucion and vive McDonalds ‘Appy Meal, better zan Wimpy any day of the week.

Ps – as if you Irish would not have ‘and balled to win ze game. Robbie Keane tried but he kept punchin his face..silly Irish man…haha!"

So long EPL, what else can the Old Firm join?

2009-11-18T15:01:00.000-08:00

FootyNotes has obtained secret documents which confirm that Scotland's Old Firm are sizing up other competitions they can ruin now that the Premier League has told them to go and, er, whistle for one.

Here are the exclusive extracts:

The World Series of Baseball

Pros: By joining the World Series, we would able to put to good use the many baseball bats our supporters keep under their beds. Additionally, baseball does appear to be full of fat wastes of space who can hardly run so our players would fit right in to the dietary regimes.

Cons: Ally McCoist would look almost ridiculously silly wearing a baseball helmet. We don’t know the rules. We don’t know how to get to America. Our fans inform us that giant inflatable hands must come with a nunchucka option.

Strictly Come Dancing

Pros: We believe Rangers and Celtic would dramatically increase competition on Strictly thus enhancing the competition as well as bringing legions of new fans to this currently obscure television show watched by billions worldwide.

Cons: Our advisers tell us that a Walter Smith/Ally McCoist dancing double act could have homo-erotic overtones which could turn all our fans into Big Girls Blouses in some kind of weird Darwinian perversion.

The Scottish Premier League

Pros: We think joining this league would make sense as it is where clubs are based and a comprehensive analysis has suggested that we in fact may already play in this league which surely must been seen as a benefit at this critical juncture.

Cons: We simply cannot understand what possible advantage there is in being in a competition which we win every other year and thus have a guaranteed entry into the Champions League. What club would want that kind of nightmare apart from Manchester United? And look at them now.

Moneysaving Experts: the all-new recession-proof Rangers

2009-11-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

Rangers have announced a slew of cost-saving measures designed to help in times of financial hardship in Scottish football.

All players are to be issued with Nintendo Wii Fit so that the club can sell the training ground to Poundland, a spokesman revealed. However he refuted claims that the team were also offered to Poundland for 99p.

The club also plans to adopt a new financial strategy, involving multi-platform marketing, raising brand awareness in both vertical and horizontal terms based on the trans-continental principle perspective. And Ally McCoist is going to organise a bake sale.

Rangers have also vowed to show greater imagination in the transfer market. The manager has already been instructed to work on dynamic new deals such as multiple-occupancy international transfers. But the club refutes and disassociated itself from anyone who describes this as ‘people trafficking’.

Further measures include the fact that strips are no longer be swapped. Rangers will no longer use change kits but get vintage ones off Ebay. Other blue kits such as Cowdenbeath/Queen of the South could also be used. However rumours abound that Cowdenbeath will sue any Rangers star wearing one of its strips on grounds that ‘they are really pish’.

OTHER NEWS

Manchester City have complained about overpaid armchair pundits criticising their players - without even bothering to watch the full game.

Said a spokesman: “We really think Robinho and Elano should stop criticising the players – particularly as they seem to do it while on their phones during the match. They seem to spend most of their time watching Baywatch reruns on their iphones.”

OLD FIRM SUMMIT

The EPL have discussed the Old Firm, Scotland’s two biggest clubs, at a major summit.

An insider: “Someone said that they’d probably get beat off Stoke. Another person mentioned that Scotland was quite cold. Another chairman asked what this issue had to do with Russia.

“There was talk of a breakaway league,” our insider added, "but by that time the stripper had turned up so we do not have records of what was said on that issue.”

Rafa: I was right to sub Moses

2009-11-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

Rafa Benitez has insisted he was right to sub new signing Moses despite his Liverpool’s side latest drubbing.

One fan said: “If he’s parted the Red Sea, surely he could part Bjorn Hangeland and Paul Konchesky.”

But a defiant Benitez retorted: “You cannot just turn these miracles on and off. The boy needed a rest.

“Fulham is not the Red Sea. It is not made of water.

“I thought Buddha did a reasonable job, although he needs to stop relying on the ‘winds of fortune’ and do some tracking back."

Rangers ticket fury

Cash strapped Rangers are furious that their game with Dundee United was abandoned.

A spokesman confirmed that this forced players to wait "for ages" at the station for their pre-booked supersaver train tickets.

A spokesman said: "The abandonment meant the players had to wait even longer for their train. We have been instructed by the banks that we now have to buy fixed time tickets to save money.

"To make matters worse manager Walter Smith lost £8 on the Big Break machine. We are concerned it may have been rigged."

The spokesman added: "All savings made are going into Walter's transfer pot. And rumours that said pot is being raided by staff to buy macaroons is totally untrue."

Uncle Roy: Keen to answer YOUR problems

2009-10-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

I am Roy Keane. You may remember me from such tactical disasters as Sunderland 0 - 5 Somebody Shite FC and Ipswich 0 - 10 Pretty much anyone who bothered to turn up FC.

I would like to thank FootyNotes for giving me this opportunity. I think I can help people. I really can.

Help ‘em bloody die, like that Alf Inge Haaland.

Well, anyway, life is mainly wonderful. Take my dogs: bloody beautiful things and I love taking them for walks and stuff. Beautiful things they are: big soppy, eyes.....But then again, sometimes they look down you. Bloody smug bastards with their Pedigree Chum.

Sitting there thinking, ‘everybody knows you should have played 4-3-3 on Saturday given the abundance of wide players in the squad’. Bloody bastards. Anyway I’m here to help.

“Hi Roy. Well my problem is that my friend Tony started a massive fight a very long way from home. In a place called Afghanistan. I didn’t really agree with this but kept quiet. Anyway now I am kind of in charge of the fight and we aren’t really doing very well. What can I do Roy?” Gordon, Downing Street

Roy says:

Well Gordon – Why are you picking fights now? The world’s a beautiful place – flowers, meadows, executions of lazy-arsed left backs (OK, that doesn’t happen yet but it will. Bastards. ) Then again, there’s nothing like a good fight. Your mate Tony sounds great. I respect men who start fights. But men who travel a long way to start a fight. That’s genius. When I got Alf Inge Haaland, I travelled a long way but no-one bloody remembers that do they? Anyway, you give me this Stan’s number and I give him a right troughing Gordon. I’ll beat him with bones, cat’s whiskers and the eyes of a baby. Bastards.

Hi Uncle Roy. I am a successful author, silicone bag and TV personality. I was going out with a MASSIVE KNOB called Pete. And now I need another MASSIVE KNOB otherwise I might start to get hungry. What do you think?" J (name and addressed supplied but entirely illegible)

Roy says:
Jesus, mother of Mary Dwight bloody Yorke woman. Where do people get this stuff from? I’ve got me dogs judging me because my left side was two-on-oned all Saturday afternoon and all you want is a massive one! I’ve got 11 in Suffolk darling will that do ya? Another fair few in Sunderland. Bastards. What did Pete do wrong? Did he not molly-coddle and tell you everything was going to be OK every bloody week? That’s the problem with society. You kick someone in the head who bloody deserves it and they get the Rozzers on you. Bastards.

Hi Roy. My name is Nick. I am kind of running a political party. We are like an honest version of the Tory Party. Yet whenever we go on telly, I get loads of abuse and people beat me up. Have you ever encountered this Roy? Nick G, Nelson Mandela House

Roy says:
Honesty! That won’t get you anywhere lad. I was honest with the Yorkshire Mick (McCarthy. Bastard) and what did he do. Fed us all bloody BK Whoppers for lunch the first day of our training camp in Japan. I try to be honest with the players. I told them, they were literally useful for nothing. No purpose whatsoever. But would they get in that cement mixer? Would they bollocks! Anyway I hope your better than that floppy haired bastard Cameron. Reminds me of David Ginola. Bloody bastard Ginola – I hate bloody Romanians!

Beach-ball-gate exclusive...it was Jan the Man

2009-10-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

FootyNotes can exclusively reveal that it was NOT a beachball which deflected in Darren Bent's winner for Sunderland on Saturday. We also have exclusive news from Spurs and Man Utd.

The Football Association have confirmed that it was in fact former Reds midfielder Jan Molby who was thrown on to the pitch and inadvertently deflected Bent's shot.

Said a spokesman: "We saw some big red thing rolling around and assumed it was a beachball. We apologise to Mr Molby for any embarrassment caused."

Liverpool fans are furious and have confirmed they are planning to throw Thomas Brolin on the pitch for next week's Man Utd game "as he has a much bigger ass".

Meanwhile Rafa Benitez confirmed that Molby's contribution was "still better than anything Ryan Babel has done this season".

HAPPY HARRY SUFFERS ABUSE GAUNTLET

Spurs manager Harry Redknapp was seething after suffering vicious abuse at Fratton Park on Saturday during his team's 2-1 win.

Shouts of 'why did you never give me a game you devil-eyed bastard', 'where are my bloody wages' and 'you promised my cousin a green card' were audible from an area of the ground police described as "the pitch".

Said a spokesman: "The offenders were wearing blue shirts and white shorts and spent a lot of time falling over so they were hard to identify."

FERGIE ANGRY ABOUT REF.....AGAIN

Sir Alex Ferguson has once hit out at referees fitness after Man U scraped past Bolton 2-1 at Old Trafford.

The United supremo blasted: "First off I told the ref to start at right back but he was running all over the pitch and acting in manner which even gave an advantage to the opposition. He seemed to be remonstrating with members of my team and waving red and yellow things at them which I did not permit.

"He was clearly being outpaced by their wide players which in these days of professionally corrupt refs is an absolute disgrace."

John Barnes and the curse of 'shitism'

2009-10-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

Ah Johnny Barnes – the scouts of AC Milan may not have recognised you but I remember you dancing round the Brazil team in the Maracana. What became of you?

A football idealist, if you are being polite, a muppet if you are being honest. Actually scratch that: for the fans of Tranmere would probably rather have had Fozzy and Kermey doing the teamtalks rather than Scouser McAteer and Barnesy. Jase and John would be more suited to an ITV show about ex footballers retraining as cops.

Steakout, McAteer style

You could see them, sitting in a clapped-out Sierra eating doughnuts and talking about away ties in the League Cup. Old Barnesy's problem with management appears to be that he attempted formations that he found off Footy Manager.

You know the ones: they look pretty on the screen but even a four year old knows their daft. They make pretty pictures but would look daft even if performed by a dance troupe. Some of them didn’t even add to ten, so we’re told. After Barnesy got the Highland fling at Celtic (dumped out the cup at home by Inverness), we all thought that it was it for him and the manager’s chair. He tried the studio chair too but even Channel 5, which counts Steven Seagal films as documentaries, couldn’t take his pisspoor delivery (the free kicks were so much better pal).

Then poor John, out of work and the ego gestating, goes and claims on the BBC that the reason he isn’t getting work is because of racism.....oh dear, the last refuge of the scoundrel that. No John, you were the victim of another form of prejudice...shitism.

Yes, the prejudice against people who are pish at their jobs: they don’t understand tactics, don’t know who the opposition is, don’t know a single other player in the division their managing in and attempt to teach clog-footed journeyman left-backs how to do Cruyff turns! It be the bane of our times, shitism.

Now this time poor Johnny surely won’t make a comeback. Notwithstanding Notts County, Hearts and another such maniac clubs, Barnsey is done for.

He is just one of those guys that has to do it his way, Even if he cleaned the kit, you imagine he’d use an experimental dye and create the kind pink ensemble Scotland used to wear. With his penchant for incompetence, there can only be one place for old Barnsey...Westminster!