Mowbray: I am responsible for Celtic excuses

Tony Mowbray has vowed to take full responsibility for coming up with excuses for Celtic’s crushing to St Mirren.

Mowbray said: “It is my job as manager to come up with the excuses and I am going to roll up my sleeves and absolutely do that. I will not shirk from that in any way.

“Quite clearly, when you lose 4-0 to a team who couldn’t beat your main rivals when they only had nine men, you need to take full responsibility and that is why I am blaming penguins, the weather, the wrong type of grass and Lord Lucan.

“At the end of the day, maybe I have got to look at this negative approach Rangers are taking whereby they win most games. Maybe I am just old fashioned but I thought I was here to entertain.

“I might have got it slightly wrong in that we are entertaining Rangers fans and other supporters rather than our own but you know what that is an easy mistake to make which of course I blame entirely on the Celtic board. They just said entertain.”

Mowbray went on: “I have brought expansive football to Celtic, you only have to look at the gaping gaps in our defence to see just how expansive we are.

“People like Tony Mowbray have to stand up and be counted and that is why I talk about myself in the third person. I will go on with my philosophy because I believe in losing in a humiliating fashion and I have a great agent who always gets me a great severance deal.”

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Woods ready to swing his club around

Tiger “Wood” Woods is finally set to make his sensational comeback after months in which he has not been able to swing his club around.

The star who has won rave reviews for his incredible performances is set to return in the US Masterbates before a likely appearance in the British Openings.

Rumours abound that Woods may also play a part in Debbie Does Dallas III before making an appearance in Ride-Her (DD) Cups.

A PGA (Pornographic Association) spokesman said: “I think fans cannot wait to see Tiger back in action on a pay per view basis. Tiger has always amazed his fans with incredible comesistency under pressure.

“He will certainly be looking at also entering some big classics this year and I am, sure his famous strokeplay will certainly be a big factor with some of our new stars such as Eva the Boob, and Jemima “Wide” Hollingberry-Mulford.

“Tiger is ready for the big time and we really do agree that he is the master of the cock-up. Well, we sure hope he is!"
 
Woods himself said: "I have just got to make sure I play straight and play hard. That way, I will be able to continue my success and get myself out of this hole."
  MORE ON FOOTYNOTES:
:: Woods sorry for making golf interesting
:: World fury sparks Terry inquiry plan
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Rancid Terry sparks sperm crisis

Sports fans and players are being urged to donate sperm after it was revealed that most specimens belong to John Terry.

Said an expert: “We are talking about a John Terry virus here whereby every childless couple right now is likely to have a son that cannot pass for toffee and is likely to develop into a deranged sex warrior who feels up Andrex puppies

“Procedures should have been in place to prevent this happening but our researchers were too busy reading about John Terry in the papers and have not been checking the samples.

“By our calculations, a society of darts playing seals would have a greater collective intelligence than a generation of John Terrys.”

He went on: “A similar thing has happened in America but we are less concerned about a generation of dull ,pointless golfers as we do not think that will affect the population demographic greatly.”

“In the UK, we need to sports fans and players to donate sperm so that we can have a balanced society of fat, angry people who like breaking legs on a Sunday morning.”

MORE ON FOOTYNOTES
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Secret England tape causes FA panic

A secret tape showing breaches in England security is being offered to international coaches for millions of pounds.


The tape appears to show that the England camp is easily penetrated, particularly with any sort of decent passing in the midfield or sometimes just with a mindless lump up the park.

Our sources tell us it also shows Rio Ferdinand’s dallying on the ball, John Terry losing concentration being out of position as well as showing Ashley Cole apparently tying to sell the rights to his divorce to a supporter during the second half of the England Egypt game.

However it is believed that the scheme has backfired as most international coaches plan to adopt the tactic of making England kick penalties.

An FA insider said: “This breaches are very serious as we told Fabio that we were really good and it was all Steve McClaren’s fault that our results were rubbish.

“This type of filth only serves to undermine the massive hype that will benefit all footballers this summer and enable them to nail loads of cash in adverts and what not.

“We intend to tighten up dramatically before the World Cup by trying to get John Terry to shag Paul Robinson’s missus so we don’t have to pick him either.

“Ashley Cole and John Terry will be kept in Hannibal Lector style cages when not chasing around Brazilians.”

Morally angered pundit Alan Shearer added: “When I think about onions, I really can just lose a day in thought and reflection. I guess that is how religion developed.”

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Tearful Beckham to miss LA awards season

David Beckham is set to miss the C list awards season after being injured during a photo shoot for AC Milan.

OK magazine has already expressed concern that it may have to cut its issue in half while Hello said the news was a disaster for the free press.

Paparazzi were also wearing haunted looks this morning, with some saying ‘that they will have to try and sell some Tom Cruise snaps’.

A Milan outsiders said: “David was in tears when he realised that he would be missing the Blockbuster Action Stunt of the Year Awards and it looks like he will also be unfit for the Hollywood Animal Performance Oscars where he was due to present Unhappy Seal Performance of the Year.

"We can confirm that he was injured while trying to diagonally position his head on the new ladies soap range launched by Silvio Berlusconi."

Football experts have predicted that World Cup hype will fall 20% following Beckham’s withdrawal.

An FA insider said: "We fear that we may lose the 'Loose Women' demographic which is a disaster.

“We are devastated that we won’t be able to bring David on for the last five minutes of very game.

“This basically going to ruin the World Cup because I am sure most people were going there purely to see Becks take a corner.”

The race to replace Beckham:

Shawn Wright-Philips – minor celebrity, unlikely to win hair endorsements.

Theo Walcott – in a relationship but concerns over whether his mummy will let him stay up late.

MORE ON FOOTYNOTES
:: Red Knights 'aiming to recruit King Arthur'
:: Woods sorry for making golf interesting
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England demand World Cup condom surplus

Troubled South Africa is to receive 2bn extra condoms ahead of the World Cup due to rising concerns over sexual health, mainly of England’s football team.

A South African government spokesman said: “We thought we might need some extra police for the supporters but the UK foreign office has told us we will also need lots of lubricant and johnnies.

“It is estimated that the average England footballer has 2.5m affairs per year and we are simply not equipped for that kind of activity.

“We were not aware of these problems but thankfully we were able to read a News of the World and then the problem became very clear to us.

“We are also told that we must import terrible nightclubs full of fat idiots and women who wear lots of make-up.”

He added: “We are quite shocked. It is one thing have sexual relations with more than one woman but at least our president marries these ladies. Your footballers have a lot to learn."

A football insider said: “It is vital that the England boys have everything they need to ensure they score regularly at the World Cup. They boys have a very good record at this level and frankly Kazahkstan last year was something special."

Footballers hail dog insurance plan

Meanwhile footballers have also rejoiced at the news of a dog insurance plan.

Sex warrior John Terry said: “I it is so tough being a footballer and having this insurance plan will really help me if some dog gets me between my legs.

Football agent Ari Veilbarra said: “If you are a top footballer on a night out, it is very easy to get taken advantage of by some clever dog and then you are stuck with the consequences. This insurance plan is vital.

“I have been out with some dogs in my time and they can lost a lot of money let me tell you.”

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:: Dubai hit Terry anger
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:: World fury sparks Terry inquiry

Capello fears players are underpaid

as told to footynotes

England manager Fabio Capello has expressed fears over the money top players are earning in the premier league.

Capello said: “How can these-a players be expect to concentrate on football when they get paid-a so little monies. When I came here and they told me I have to pay tax, I thought this was a funny thing somebody say like Benny Hill or Rafa Benitez.

“Poor John-a Terry. There he is paying off all and sundry but he had none left for Wayne-a Bridge. Now I must make do with this Leyland Baines, whom I always-a thought was responsible for the death of Laura-a Palmer in Twin-a Peaks.

“In Italy, things are much easier, If you have a problem then you pay somebody and it goes away. I could not believe when these English people do not want to give-a the referee some nice gift like a Ferrari or a whore-a. No one wonder they-a never win nothing.

“It is important the great-a players have as much-a money as possible because they get so easily bored. One-a day you want a limited edition Ferrari with Thomas the Tank Engine motif, the next a gold polar bear in which you can keep-a your collection of 80s pencils. I make-a plea for these poor young men.

“I say to Wayne Bridge, surely there is something we can get for you? Pace? Positional sense? Maybe a book on how not marry bunny-a boilers. Super smashing, great and goodbye. Oh-a England, look-a what you could have won.”

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Red Knights 'aiming to recruit King Arthur'

The mythical Red Knights have confirmed they plan to recruit King Arthur and Guinevere in their incredibly realistic bid to buy Manchester United.

Speaking from their base, a giant levitating ‘super-shoe’ above Cirencester (sorry Lancelot), their spokesman said: “Gallahad is unfortunately busy with the National Lottery so we did try to recruit the Gallagher brothers but apparently they support Manchester City.

“Of course our bid is realistic. It simply requires us to build a time machine, gather together all the mystical spirits of Camelot, and learn how to do that horsey-pokey-stick thing what knights do.

“It is outrageous to suggest that we are a bunch of faceless accountants trying to look like maverick super cool rebels.

"Yes, we’ve called ourselves the Red Knights, issued a comprehensive set of merchandising items such as our marvellous Red Knight plates and do plan to make a film about how we had an idea to call ourselves the Red Knights, but apart from that we’ve done nothing to promote ourselves. Oh yes, and the whole Piccadilly Circus advertising thing.

A Man Utd fans spokesman said: “We are absolutely behind this bid by a bunch of faceless accountants and moneymen who have spent their whole lives making cash for themselves. We would much rather be run by these people than buy the Glazers whose faces are really massive and really fat. Really, it is all about facial features when you think about who you want to own a football club.

“We cannot wait for the Red Knights to walk through the air, pull the sword of Excalibur from out of the fountain in the Trafford centre and slay big Malcolm, when he next turns up for a game.

"Our hopes are realistic though, we do accept that Dimitar Berbatov will always be a tool no matter what the powers of the red knights are!”

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:: Pundits line up to slate Cantona
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Dubai Terry hit anger

The UK has expressed World fury over a Dubai hit which has left the Prime Minister of Chelsea John Terry seriously injured.

Said a spokesman: “We believe the spy organisation WAGS mounted the hit using repeated handbag swings against Mr Terry.

“Our security forces report that something was running from the scene, thought to be Remington lipstick or Maybelline lipstick.

“We deplore the actions of the WAGS. Everybody knows that a proper spy network sits behind desks and copies stuff off the net.

“Mr Terry is very upset as the paparazzi missed the whole thing.”

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Liverpool issue player recall

Liverpool FC have ordered the recall of a slew of faulty products following tests which show potentially dangerous faults.

Among the affected products are the David N’Gog, a newly-released product which Liverpool said was unable to take any sort of load-bearing pressure.

The Jamie Carragher may also need to be called in over concerns over rustiness while it is feared the Ryan Babel is likely to lose control at high speed.

Customers have voiced concerns that the Rafa Benitez model is too confusing and cryptic while claiming the Maxi Rodriguez is ‘too easy to lose sight of’.

An LFC spokesman said: “We are sorry for these mistakes and we hope customers are patient while we rectify them. We expect it should take around 103 years.”

Meanwhile Rafa Benitez has slated Blackburn’s style after his side won an ill tempered game at Anfield.

He said: “I think the fans, they wear trousers that may have been stolen..from the 80s. They show no class, everybody knows it is time to get the spring fashions going but they still come in winter macs. That is very bad style.”

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