A South African government spokesman said: “We thought we might need some extra police for the supporters but the UK foreign office has told us we will also need lots of lubricant and johnnies.
“It is estimated that the average England footballer has 2.5m affairs per year and we are simply not equipped for that kind of activity.
“We were not aware of these problems but thankfully we were able to read a News of the World and then the problem became very clear to us.
“We are also told that we must import terrible nightclubs full of fat idiots and women who wear lots of make-up.”
He added: “We are quite shocked. It is one thing have sexual relations with more than one woman but at least our president marries these ladies. Your footballers have a lot to learn."
A football insider said: “It is vital that the England boys have everything they need to ensure they score regularly at the World Cup. They boys have a very good record at this level and frankly Kazahkstan last year was something special."
Footballers hail dog insurance plan
Meanwhile footballers have also rejoiced at the news of a dog insurance plan.
Sex warrior John Terry said: “I it is so tough being a footballer and having this insurance plan will really help me if some dog gets me between my legs.
Football agent Ari Veilbarra said: “If you are a top footballer on a night out, it is very easy to get taken advantage of by some clever dog and then you are stuck with the consequences. This insurance plan is vital.
“I have been out with some dogs in my time and they can lost a lot of money let me tell you.”
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