World fury sparks Terry inquiry plan

Pressure from the world media, politicians and a barmy Italian has finally forced the International War Crimes (and other serious matters) Tribunal to open an investigation into why England’s Most Important Man decided to lie and cheat to the public over an unprecedented amount of time in morally horrifying circum-sexes.

The inquiry will look at all aspect of what TerryGate (aka funny Terry shagging story) and will seek to ascertain how a man with so much money, who surrounds himself with females entirely obsessed by money, was able to have sexual relations with a lesser paid team-mate’s unbelievabley shallow (sorry slim) bird.

The complex investigation will also look at how a man who is almost congenitally stupid, with a family so stupid that scientists are yet to explain how they learnt to reproduce, was able to make such an error of judgement.

Particularly when Terry was known for his acts of ‘high moralism’ such as ‘not shagging Didier Drogba’s bird’, his post 9/11 political protest ( sadly this was misconstrued as yobbish, drunken chanting at the time) and crying in court like a massive, massive baby.

A spokesfiend of Terry’s says his client will contest all charges until given enough money: “What John is saying is that this was a difficult decision. He completely appreciates not everyone agreed with what he did – particularly the thing with the wet fish and the slapping .

“ But what he is saying is that he truly believed was right at the time. He rejects claims from Miss Peroncel that weapons of mass destruction were not found during this particular sojourn.”

Terry said in a statement: “I really hope Mr Mussolini will give me another spanking, sorry I mean chance. “

Terry, it is understood, is also set to insist that he was not aware Wayne Bridge was a team-mate or even a footballer. It is expected the inquiry will also address the question of, ‘who the fuck is Wayne Bridge’.

Pundit Alan Shearer added: “Onions are multi-functional. That’s a key benefit for me.”