Barack Obama, God and the Dalai Lama are believed to be among the billions watching golfman Tiger Wads apologise for having loads of sex with birds he didn’t know that well.
Woods said he hoped to restore the image of the sport as a pointless spectacle played by impotent fat blokes.
Contrite after letting down millions who thought his ability twat a little ball near holes made him a saint, Woods attempted to shed light on a mystery as to why a man with so much money chose the extraordinary step of ‘shagging anything he fancied’.
A spokesman for Society said: “Given that it is very rare for mega rich men to have sex with whomever they want whenever they want, we find this event particularly shocking.
“What makes it worse is that St Tiger of Woods is not like a rock star on anything exciting like that therefore he really is not allowed to have affairs and think he can get away it. “
God added: “I am delighted to see Mr Woods has taken steps to address his major problem of fancying birds and ‘not being too fussed what his wife thought’. The 386.8bn other man who have this problem will hopefully take heed too.”
Meanwhile disapproving golf expert Derek Brown-Green: “I used to think Tiger was a great athlete and an amazing golfer. It disgusts me that he was holding trophies aloft while there were waitresses panties in his golf bag. We will never forgive Tiger for making golf interesting."
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