Tony Adams (he never misses the point)

as told to FootyNotes

My name is Tony Adams. You may know me from tactical disasters such as ‘Wycombe Wanderers’ and ‘Portsmouth’. It has been suggested that I always miss the point but as the great philosospeaker William Shakeworth said, ‘Bollocks to you lot’. Sadly visionaries like me, Arsene Wenger and Tom ‘Crosswits’ O’Connor sometimes have to accept that our futuristic methods will simply not be understood.


Thankfully the BBC’s Today programme has given me the chance to edit the show and I can give a preview of my schedule here.

The Taliban: We need to get to the heart of this issue which is at absolute crisis point but I think we also need a change in tone to galvanise interest in the story. So I have commissioned Gok Wan to report back on how Taliban fashion has been influenced by pre-Raphaelite architecture and beards.

Football: This is such a misunderstood issue right now. There is so much fickle reporting out there. I have commissioned the famous hard hitting football journalist Gaby Roslyn to do a piece on the great visionary talent lost to football due to ignorance, hate and fear….Tony Adams.

And finally: To round off the show, I think we need something a bit feelgood. So I want to do a piece on how for many people, alcohol is in fact a great comfort to them. It keeps people warm if they are sleeping in cardboard boxes. It is a great alternative to the car scrappage scheme if one is driving with alcohol. And it can also help one find philosophy, if you drink at least ten bottles of whisky a week for ten years. Because it does not make a blind bit of sense otherwise.

Anyway, I am Tony Adams and I NEVER miss the point.

Mick McCarthy NEVER says die

as told to footynotes

First of all I'd like to say I am a diehard never say die Yorkshireman who is, in actual fact, not dead.

And when you've been to the School of Hard Knocks like I have, you know all about never giving up..unless of course you are taking an insurmountable super-impossible task, like trying to scrape a 0-0 draw at Old Trafford.

Take my spell at Sunderland. Evey week I drummed it into my players to NEVER give up. Of course that was before the season started.

Once it did and we lost 1-0 at Wigan,  it became obvious to me that we were going to lose every game 6-0 and I told the players to give up to avoid further disappointment.

Life ain't easy y'know. Little Billy came home from school the other day and only got four out of ten on his math test. Like any died in the wool beligerent northerner I told him school wasn't any use and, what with the mines all being in Taiwan now, all we can do is hope to become very good sausage roll technicians or manage Sunderland.

You just can't try all the time, it's naive in this day and age. If we tried in every game in the Premier League, we might stay up and then imagine the disappointment when we get relegated by a record margin in our second season. People just don't think things through.

You've got to be realistic. That's why I was right not to pick my first 11 for the Man Utd game. If only it could be like the snooker and you could concede a match before it finished. Then we could just give up and catch up on X-Factor, the show of choice for the diehard, never-say-die Yorshireman....whose on happy pills.

Mystery over Rooney cheat storm

Weathermen today confirmed the expected storm of protest following Wayne Rooney’s blatant cheating against Aston Villa failed to materialise.

Said a spokesman: “We were told following Thierry Henry’s handball that all UK football fans, media and pundits had lost all faith in the integrity of the game due to constant cheating. Yet we were unable to detect the expected of howls of moral hysteria when Wayne Rooney performed a dive so blatant that even the referee spotted it.

“There were no calls for Rooney to be banned for months, no questions about what Man U are teaching their players and no comparisons with the twin devils, Drogba and Henry. We set up reception centres for young children who had lost faith in their hero but instead could only hear yelps of anger from Man U fans who wanted Rooney to dive some more to get a penalty.

A fans spokesman explained: “The fact is that Wayne Rooney was skilfully trying to induce the referee in an age old tactic that is tantamount to art whereas Thierry Henry is a dirty Frenchman. The difference is quite obvious.”

EPL preview: Liverpool need to deliver

It’s the battle of the Big 4 also-rans as Liverpool take on Arsenal. Very tough to pick a winner so the draw starts as favourite here. United are woefully short of defenders for the visit of Villa but they should still grab the win although there will be blood….and goals!


Chelsea will brush Everton aside in their typically tedious way while it will be interesting to see if Man City can improve their record against the EPL’s more ordinary sides. They face Bolton and need to win. Spurs would expect to easily beat Wolves.

What of life at the bottom? Birmingham’s form is a huge shock given mediocrity McLeish is in charge so fair play, we have to back them to see off the hapless Hammers. Burnley need to rely on that home record against Fulham who are obdurate but inconsistent as Roy Hodgson’s missus will no doubt testify to. That’s too much info sorry.

Hull without Jimmy Bullard face Blackburn which could see the home side falling into their bad old ways. Inconsistent Wigan won’t get any change out of Stoke (or they’ll win 5-0) while Sunderland will easily beat Portsmouth.

Betting:

Chelsea 2 - 0 Everton
The Blues have been nasty to back at home all season, shedding their caution and handing out a few thrashings. Still, Everton are struggling so we are setting confidence at 'high' for this one.

Man U 1 - 0 Aston Villa
With Utd short of defenders this one is more difficult. United have a great record against Villa and these games are rarely tight. Our confidence is 'low' for this one.

He shoots, he scores...the MANAGER that is

Yup, we bring you the best goodies on FootyNotes. Check out one of the goals of the season here as a manager executes a first-time volley from the sidelines which flies straight into the net.

It's Beckham and Pele all rolled into one! And it'll never count even though it was a tonne more legitimate than Henry's handball.

And if that's not enough, watch this classic comedy OG by a goalkeeper. Why do they do it to themselves?

Arsenal stars in shock positive test

The FA have confirmed the shock news that some of Arsenal's youth players have tested positive for talent.

Said a spokesman: “We really put them through their paces. Some of the poor sods only seem to be able to do keepy uppies while others seemed to think tackling was against the rules. However we did find a few who will have a very bright future at top football clubs such Aston Villa, Derby and Morecambe.

“We did think some of them might be on drugs because most of them appear to think they have a chance of playing for Arsenal. That, of course, is clearly ridiculous and suggests delusional psychosis."

Exclusive: Irish demand Jerusalem over le Hand

The Football Association of Ireland has demanded a slice of the Holy City of Jerusalem following their World Cup exit.

Said a spokesman: "Given the nature of injustice we have suffered, we felt we may as well ask for a bit of Jerusalem. From reading the papers, it is what most wronged groups ask for when they suffer mass injustice so why shouldn't we get some?

"To be honest, it did look a bit rubbish on the net but so does Hull and that's a great place to party."

And that full list of Irish demands:
 
 - A 20 point headstart in the next five Eurovision song contests
 
 - Free Stella for all Irish footballers for life (backdated)
 
 - A Hague war crimes tribunal for Thierry Henry
 
 - Lessons on how to handball and get away with it (free of charge)
 
 - Guinness
 
- Reparations based on the amount of pub trade lost due to Eire's failure to qualify (estimate: £3.65)
 
 

World Cup 2010 draw preview

Brazil and Spain are the overwhelming favourites for the 2010 World Cup. Yet the Samba stars are merely efficient under coach Dunga and Spain can still ‘throw one in’ as proved by their defeat against the USA in last year’s Confederations Cup.


Germany and Italy will bring exceptional team play but lack the extra quality. The Dutch and English will have to slay demons from tournaments past. Could this be the year when an outsider triumphs in South Africa?

The Ivory Coast are the leading dark horse and provided several players in this year’s Champions League semi finals. On the downside, they will be given respect by most teams as they boast Didier Drogba. They are also weak defensively but may well be worth an each way bet come June. Cameroon and Ghana will be tough nuts but there is nothing to suggest that they have the organisation or managers necessary to get on an extended run.

What of South America? Recent experience tell you that they are tough and tenacious outside of Brazil but again lack the firepower. Roque Santa Cruz has been anonymous for Man City but if he finds his scoring boots then Paraguay could be useful if the draw allows them to pick up momentum. They will be good on penalties.

Europe’s lesser lights are the most likely shock winners and yet FootyNotes cannot see it. Greece came through a soft group and Switzerland are just, well, soft. Serbia and Denmark are both good teams but they will probably both come up short in the later rounds if their recent tournament form is anything to go by. Despite their awful Euro 08 showing, I would still make those Greeks Euro outsiders just purely on their mental toughness but it really depends on the draw.

Any others

Australia simply do not have what it takes and South Korea will play a bit before being dispatched. One team regularly overlooked is the USA. They came desperately close to winning the Confederations Cup last year and they could have easily been in the World Cup final after murdering Germany but failing to take their chances. Clearly, they are not anywhere near the best team in the world. But their team ethic and defence is good. Moreover, there will not be any egos in the team which, more and more, is doing for the big European nations.

Every chance that 2010 will be won by either Brazil, Spain or Italy. But the tournament is long overdue for a shock winner.

Hughes/Wenger settle dispute

Mark Hughes and Arsene Wenger have agreed to settle their childish row during Wednesday night's Carling Cup  - with a game of tig.

Hughes said: "It is important in a world where so many terrible things happen - such as mega-rich investors losing money in Dubai hotel investments - that we managers set an example.

"My tig record speaks for itself. I think there is a very great chance of Wenger being 'it' and remaining 'it' for some time to come."

Wenger said: "Tig is a gentleman's game and everybody know that it is a philosophy and I think Mr Hughes does not really understand this at all.

"I will give people they kind of tig they want to see with lots of dodges and risk-taking not the kind of percentage tig practised by Mr Hughes."

World's greatest football miss

A huge thank you to the mighty Rocky Baptiste who may well have engineered the world's greatest-ever football miss. Check it out here.

Yup   - forget super Ronnie Rosenthal blasting over the bar for Liverpool or the mighty Geoff  'Maradona' Thomas for England.

I'm sure there are others you can think of: Chris 'manager's pick' Iwelumo for Scotland against Norway comes to mind.

In none of these scenarios is the player literally walking the ball into the net. Even Emile Hesky couldn't miss from there. Could he?