Uncle Roy: Keen to answer YOUR problems

I am Roy Keane. You may remember me from such tactical disasters as Sunderland 0 - 5 Somebody Shite FC and Ipswich 0 - 10 Pretty much anyone who bothered to turn up FC.

I would like to thank FootyNotes for giving me this opportunity. I think I can help people. I really can.

Help ‘em bloody die, like that Alf Inge Haaland.

Well, anyway, life is mainly wonderful. Take my dogs: bloody beautiful things and I love taking them for walks and stuff. Beautiful things they are: big soppy, eyes.....But then again, sometimes they look down you. Bloody smug bastards with their Pedigree Chum.

Sitting there thinking, ‘everybody knows you should have played 4-3-3 on Saturday given the abundance of wide players in the squad’. Bloody bastards. Anyway I’m here to help.


“Hi Roy. Well my problem is that my friend Tony started a massive fight a very long way from home. In a place called Afghanistan. I didn’t really agree with this but kept quiet. Anyway now I am kind of in charge of the fight and we aren’t really doing very well. What can I do Roy?” Gordon, Downing Street

Roy says:

Well Gordon – Why are you picking fights now? The world’s a beautiful place – flowers, meadows, executions of lazy-arsed left backs (OK, that doesn’t happen yet but it will. Bastards. ) Then again, there’s nothing like a good fight. Your mate Tony sounds great. I respect men who start fights. But men who travel a long way to start a fight. That’s genius. When I got Alf Inge Haaland, I travelled a long way but no-one bloody remembers that do they? Anyway, you give me this Stan’s number and I give him a right troughing Gordon. I’ll beat him with bones, cat’s whiskers and the eyes of a baby. Bastards.


Hi Uncle Roy. I am a successful author, silicone bag and TV personality. I was going out with a MASSIVE KNOB called Pete. And now I need another MASSIVE KNOB otherwise I might start to get hungry. What do you think?" J (name and addressed supplied but entirely illegible)

Roy says:
Jesus, mother of Mary Dwight bloody Yorke woman. Where do people get this stuff from? I’ve got me dogs judging me because my left side was two-on-oned all Saturday afternoon and all you want is a massive one! I’ve got 11 in Suffolk darling will that do ya? Another fair few in Sunderland. Bastards. What did Pete do wrong? Did he not molly-coddle and tell you everything was going to be OK every bloody week? That’s the problem with society. You kick someone in the head who bloody deserves it and they get the Rozzers on you. Bastards.

Hi Roy. My name is Nick. I am kind of running a political party. We are like an honest version of the Tory Party. Yet whenever we go on telly, I get loads of abuse and people beat me up. Have you ever encountered this Roy? Nick G, Nelson Mandela House

Roy says:
Honesty! That won’t get you anywhere lad. I was honest with the Yorkshire Mick (McCarthy. Bastard) and what did he do. Fed us all bloody BK Whoppers for lunch the first day of our training camp in Japan. I try to be honest with the players. I told them, they were literally useful for nothing. No purpose whatsoever. But would they get in that cement mixer? Would they bollocks! Anyway I hope your better than that floppy haired bastard Cameron. Reminds me of David Ginola. Bloody bastard Ginola – I hate bloody Romanians!